The rules of the game are simple: assume the best and you win, assume the worst and you lose.
In order to win at “Assume the Best” you first need to make it very clear that you and the people around you are playing. There’s no need to ask people if they would like to play. All you need to do is to make it clear that the game has begun. You can do so by stating, “let’s all agree to assume the best about each other, okay?” No one in their right mind will oppose your suggestion.
Once you’ve established the game is being played, all you need do now is wait. Sooner or later conflict will arise and the game will be afoot.
When someone comes to you with a complaint or an issue, it is important that you take time to understand the proposed problem. You’ll need the details of the story later in order to point out where the person erred (remember it’s in the details that I live!) Keep a keen ear out for any insights into the person’s motive. Motive is never completely pure, so it can easily be used against someone. Remember you’re not really listening to understand the source of the problem or to empathize with how they’ve been hurt, but rather adding arrows to your quiver as you prepare a counter-attack.
It’s important that you appear surprised by your opponent’s complaint. If you let on any notion that you saw this coming you inadvertently admit guilt on your own part. However if you appear to be surprised, the likelihood of your opponent unleashing the full force of their complaint decreases. Humans have an innate sense of compassion and when they see you suffering in surprise, they’ll default to dialing back their attack.
After sharing their complaint, your opponent has exerted a tremendous amount of emotional energy and is unstable. They’ve likely been fretting over this conversation for quite a while and now that they’ve shared their experience they will be in a heightened emotional state. If you react poorly in this moment, there is a high chance your opponent will rase their defenses. You want your opponent to enter a vulnerable posture so you can hit them where they’re week. The easiest way to do that is to appear to have heard their complaint. Repeating back details of their story will aid in this endeavor.
Once you’re confident that your opponent has lowered their defenses enough for you to deal an effective counter-attack, it’s time to take action. An effective phrase at turning the tide of the conversation is, “I see how you could think that, but…” Note how this phrase validates the person’s feelings, further luring them into a vulnerable posture, yet allows you to begin your counter attack.
Be careful to not accuse the person of not assuming the best too quickly. If you make this accusation too soon, it’s possible the person may see through your strategy and rase their defenses. You want to be more cunning than overt in this game. Your ultimate goal is to confuse the person and cause them to question their own motives. Once they do this, you’ve won!
Before you say “I feel like you’re not assuming the best about me!”, you want your opponent to start to take pity on you. The best way to do this is by telling stories of how difficult is is to be you. Admitting a few well known weaknesses is an excellent way to make someone pity you; no new harm is done to you and the person starts to see you as reciprocating their vulnerability.
At this point you can start to make an attack against the person’s motive. If you’ve been able to distinguish a timeline from their story, point out how long they’ve kept these issues from you. By showing that the person has let the problem fester for some time, you start to subtly shift blame from you to the other party. A key manipulating phrase is, “I wish you would have shared this with me earlier.” This phrase is a doubly powerful! It shames the individual for not coming to you sooner and proves that your motive is better than theirs: you want to improve and they’ve been keeping you from it. Now that your opponent is beginning to doubt themselves, you can unleash a few of the arrows you gathered from their story. The specifics of these arrows will vary from game to game, but I’m sure you’re starting to see the general strategy of disabling the person’s complaint by questioning their motive and ultimately proving they didn’t assume the best. A few other tactics I recommend include pressing the individual to tell you the names of their friends who think similarly (this really makes people squirm!) and getting people to admit their own wrongdoing.
Now that your opponent is starting to believe that they haven’t assumed the best about you, it’s time to deal the final blow: state what assuming the best in this circumstance would have looked like. This creates contrast between what should have been and what was. This contrast will cause your confused opponent to begin to heap shame upon themselves for not doing the right thing. What started as an accusation against you has now turned 180 degrees and the true wrongdoer is exposed!
Before you part ways, it’s important that you both agree to keep playing “Assume the Best”. I highly recommend having the person verbally promise to assume the best about you; forcing them to say something out loud establishes your power over them. As an added bonus it also gives you a leg up on the the next match! Remember, the only promise you want to make as you wrap up the conversation is that you’ll assume the best about them (which we both know is a lie). It is possible in dire circumstances to make pithy promises to “try harder” or “improve”, but do not promise anything concrete. You don’t want to give your opponent anything they can use against you in the future!
Congratulations! Another victory is yours. You’ve regained power and control and have effectively mitigated any possibility that you need to make an uncomfortable change. Best of luck out there!
-
Shoutout to my man Clive Staples for the inspiration.